Prabhu: I want to ask what are the husband’s responsibilities in connection with these wife’s spiritual programs, and what are his responsibilities in everyday life?
HH BVPS Maharaja: Means, the husband’s responsibilities towards the wife are to create an environment in which she can engage all of the elements of her nature in Krishna’s service. Does that make sense? Some question on that, or…?
Prabhu: I was thinking that sometimes husbands are very… They somehow push certain things on the wives, they try to act, for instance, some example, try to inspire his wife to follow him, and how should he do this in such a way that actually she can… Help her to follow, to inspire her to make progress in spiritual life?
HH BVPS Maharaja: Let’s say I have a piece of split wood. Split means like cut into pricks. I want to make that into a circle. How do I do that? No idea?
Prabhu: Put the two ends together.
HH BVPS Maharaja: And then, what happens if while I pull the two ends together, it splits?
Mataji: You have to put it into water?
HH BVPS Maharaja: Yes, you have to put it into water, when it becomes soft, then it’s bent. So is the purpose to get you result in the form of just external, or you are trying to get the living entity? Right? You want just the body, or you want the mind?
Prabhu: The body and the mind.
HH BVPS Maharaja: Okay. Forget it, that means you have to have the mind. Mind means body. Body just means body. So that means, you have to find how it works. But as I mentioned, since here you have three years to work all that out, then sadhana and those things should be discussed. Discussed means, not trying to impress the other with what you should say, but what you are thinking of. And it should be that your… If you want to make it work, you are willing to accommodate whatever answer they give and start from there and work on it.
I am saying, you can start with it. I know one grihastha couple where the opening conversation was, “I want to get married, but I am not interested in kids.” That was the opening sentence. Not, “Hi, how are you?” You can start with “Hi, how are you?” but after you have to get down to what’s the reality. Of course, now the boy has, the trust that has been developed, now the girl in the boy, now they are going to have children. And the other party agreed, if that’s what it takes to make it work, that’s the way it is. Not saying that that’s the standard, just talking about the one was able to say it and the other one was able to “Okay, that’s the way it is.” You know, they said, “I’d really like to have kids, but if that’s the way the relationship is, okay, that’s what it is.” You know what I am saying? And then, with time it went the other way. You know what I am saying?
That means, in one week they had worked out things that possible most grihasthas haven’t even discussed in their whole life. That’s down to garbhadana-samskara, what is the activities they would or would not do, I mean, it was a pretty straightforward stuff. It was all dealt with pleasantly. Does that make some sense? The point is, you guys got three years, I am just talking about one week. Okay, give it two weeks, three… Right? Does that make sense? So it should all be clear, so now that it’s suddenly, “Oh, this is different or that’s different,” why? You know what I am saying? That shouldn’t be a question, not from this [indistinct 01:31:06] And if it is, even if it is, if one didn’t work all those things out, work them out now. Why don’t they want to follow their sadhana? What’s wrong? What’s there? What’s missing? What’s lacking? What’s the other idea? What’s… Does that make sense?
If the wife doesn’t want to do sadhana, there must be a reason, it may go back to something as simple as, “Well, the last time you got so serious about the sadhana, then you were very rough with me and wouldn’t take…” Because, you know, then, as the man gets more Krishna conscious, then the woman gets more maya. But as we discussed, the more he actually becomes really Krishna conscious, the better he behaves with her. So she sees that, she wants sadhana. I had one devotee was telling me, he married a karmi, straight karmi. But she married him because he was a devotee, because he was gentle and nice and had some focus and direction. So at some point he was kind-of, wasn’t chanting his rounds, wasn’t going to the program, so she just told him, “I married you because you were a devotee. You chanted your rounds, you were going to the temple, you were so nice. Now you are in maya, you are not nice.” She is still not a devotee, but she just wanted him to be one. Do you understand? So what’s the reason behind it, you should be open. It’s not a matter of, “Oh she doesn’t want to go to the temple programs, she is in maya.” But why is she in maya? What experience has happened that she doesn’t want to go? Or what is it it’s nice she is gaining by not going to? And adjust that to another time of the day. You know, if you are not going to Mangala-aratik, you wake up and say something nice to her, and everything like that. When you go to Mangala-aratik, you just get up, you are rough, you are this or that. You know what I am saying? Because you are going to Mangala-aratik, you get up within the split second to just get everything exactly right. So if that five minutes of pleasantness is important, get up five minutes earlier. In other words, you can’t get the sadhana at the expense of… You know what I am saying?
You want to make this work? If just she is supposed to do it, then what’s your job? If she is just supposed to go, then what does she need you for? If she is just going to do it automatic, why the relationship? You know what I am saying? Does it make sense? So you’ve agreed to a relationship, that means you have to make sure that that relationship then is based on Krishna consciousness. Right? It’s not that being in Krishna consciousness means no relationship. You already had that as a brahmachari. Why get married? You got married for the relationship. So that means, relationship has to function, and you have to do the Krishna consciousness. The relationship aspect can’t be dry, even for a nanosecond. It only takes a nanosecond to start a fight. Yeah? In other words, you are trying to be ideally Krishna conscious. So you have to figure out what’s going to make it work. Right?
(From Man Woman Interaction Seminar, 4th August 2007, Eger, Hungary)
Lecture audio, this passage starting at 01:23:55