Excerpt from a seminar on Masculine and Feminine Interaction #19, given in Eger, Hungary

Mātājī: In earlier years, when we had difficulties, my husband regularly heard an advice that, "Well, in the worst case, this is the solution, either divorce, or you beat your wife." And this made my life quite difficult, because they didn't try to come to other solutions. Although it never happened, but still I want to ask what's the position of these...

His Holiness Bhaktividyā Pūrṇa Mahārāja: Oh, these two things in relationship to solving marital problems? In cultured families in India... You notice, we opened with the word "cultured," and that's not people who deal in yogurt and cheese, we are not talking about people who deal in the field of yogurt or cheese or arranging art or musical programs. We mean, people who by nature and their dealings are cultured. Does that make sense? It's considered like one of those things that everybody talks about very quietly, if somebody in the greater family beats his wife, it's like a dark family secret that everybody kind-of like, "Uh..." Does that make sense?

In other words, in the Vedic culture you don't really see it. Means, uncultured, hey, what can we say? But in cultured you don't see. Right? The point is is, if they don't know how to deal, then they are not really great solutions. The husband is supposed to generate security, not generate insecurity. These are the discussions of men amongst men who really are convinced that they are men. You know what I am saying? But according to the tradition, the only way you can tell they are men is by... How you say? The consultation of a doctor who understands human anatomy. Right? So that's the only way, just because anatomically they are a man, they consider that they are one, but technically they are not.

Masculinity is a mentality. So if a man deals like one, then the women respond like women. So support is the way that the women are happy. If the women are happy, the men are happy, but these so-called men, their idea, if they are happy, then they are happy. So they don't actually understand that they have a relationship with the woman. Because a woman is not considered in their calculation. You know what I am saying? So that's not the solution. Does that make sense?

The only example where we see where Manu says that using physical force on a woman, is generally after repeated adultery with different people, and she is not understanding the difficulty there. And the word used is "mild." Mild means, it's the shock value, it's not the physical pain, it's the shock, emotional shock that is trying to be generated. Someone who always deals nicely and gently, if they give a slap or something, a mild slap, that will be such a shock, it doesn't have to hurt, it's just a shock. You know what I am saying?

If men get to the point where logic doesn't work, it turns into emotion, then they become physical with each other. So that's a male solution to a male problem, it has got nothing to do with women. You don't solve emotional problems with women with physical force. It's only solved by humility. And if they don't agree with that, means, they don't agree with śāstra. Means, they don't know what they are talking about. And I don't care who it is it says so. You know what I am saying? Just because they feel like it, their testosterone is happening, it doesn't in any way, shape or form make them right.

Kṛṣṇa never deals roughly with any of His women. He is a man. Women deal roughly with other women. So if you deal emotionally roughly with women, that's called a woman, not a man. We are talking science here, we are not talking sentiment. Śāstra doesn't care for sentiment. Śāstra deals with what's factual how God created it. You believe it or not, and then get around with the other men and, 'Yeah, we are not getting put down this time," it's a bunch of women sitting around, saying these things, like that. No one can defend themselves for this mentality.

But śāstra does say that the husband can mildly beat the wife, but it's for shock value, it's not for physical pain. But if the man really knows what he is doing, generally he never has to use it. You know what I am saying? It wouldn't be something that's regularly used. That means, the man has no idea what he is doing, like that.

Mātājī: So the man who was saying this was saying that actually he is speaking on the basis of a woman having told him that actually sometimes it would do so much good for them to get a slap.

HH BVPS Mahārāja: Check the varṇa of the woman. You know, then... Okay, that's there, and is she right wing or left wing? And then, where is she gonna take that slap? In the bed or into intelligent conversation? You know what I am saying? So you have to know how to interpret also what's being said. And, the woman who says it, this is when she is cool, but if she was in that same situation, emotional and she got the slap, would she have appreciated it? What women say when their head is clear does not necessarily match with what they do when their head is not clear. And, even if the woman felt that by getting a slap it would work for her, that's from the man that she has full trust in and knows has full affection. Not a husband that says, "I either beat you or divorce you." You know what I am saying? So you have to be able to apply it into its actual emotional situation.

And if you recognize here is, a woman is talking about a different woman, not herself. So, "Great, another woman gets a slap, hey, what do I care? That's what she deserves." But slap is not beating. You know what I am saying? Slap is a thing just to create shock. If they are gonna use beyond that, it's still just basically buffeting around, but it's just that the mentality is so distorted that you have to do something to bring them to understand that you are serious. Does that make sense?

So the point is is if you follow the other things that we've discussed previous to this, generally one wouldn't have to use this. You know, there is families in India, live their whole life together, raise tons of kids, deal with the huge family and money and everything and nobody gets a slap. So those are just standard families. Common street people, yeah, you do see it.

[Laughter] Once I saw, I was coming into... I think it was in Vṛndāvana, in the Gośālā, and there was this kind-of like a very young man and a young woman, you know, the guy was dealing with the cows or something, outside. And this woman was yelling and screaming and coming up and beating him, and he was pushing her away, and there was a whole big scene. Right? So she was beating him and it was going both ways. So I went up to the guy and said, "Hey, this is India, you can't deal with the women like this." And then someone else came up to me and said, "Psst. It's his wife." [Laughter] And I was like, "Okay," just kept walking. [Laughter]

So in common people, they are rough, but it's rough both ways. He has got a good slap, she has got a good wrist when it comes to plates. But cultured families, they don't use this, they don't have to use it, they are cultured, things work. Only people who are uncultured and don't know how to apply this science, these things happen. Does that make sense? So as long as those persons identify, "Yes, we are low class," hey, go ahead. Then we have nothing to say.

Excerpt from a seminar on Masculine and Feminine Interaction #19, given in Eger, Hungary

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